Friday, July 28, 2006

TV Producers wanted

You must have an extensive knowledge of Japanese culture and be willing to mercilessly make fun of white people.
I'm pitching a new reality TV show for a Japanese network, called "Laughing at Stupid Hakujin Foreigners!"
Here are some future episodes:
1. Subway. A large and diverse group of Americans get to Tokyo station. They try to find a train to take them out of Tokyo to the peaceful, more "Japanese" part of Japan, since the city is not what Westerners think of when they want to see a foerign country. They want quaint. So they try to find quaint railroad lines. They go up one escalator, down another, finally ask a person in a uniform who shrugs, then a passing janitor who happnes to speak English leads them back the way they came, laughing that they've gone so far out of the way. So they follow the janitor all the way to the ticket kiosk, where they have to fumble through yen at the machine that doesn't have any English! And of course they all get on the women only car, stupid Hakujin (white person, or an American). Then they are leaving the next subway station and someone runs after them, and beckons them back the other way, where instead of the right bus terminal is a bank of very expensive taxis, which he seems to think they should take. For $30 a person. Ha!

2. The Hotel: The group goes to a tradtional Japanese inn, where they toss their shoes all over the place, or worse wear shoes on the mat inside the room, make tea and eat the proffered cookies well before the maid is able to make tea for them, and they don't even use the suacers! Jesus, the saucers are right there on the table under the huge stack of cups, you freaking barbarians! They also scare the crap out of the room maid by hiding behind the screen when she comes in to make the futon for sleeping.

3. At Dinner. The group gets a huge dinner eaten on the floor, where they are all too afriad to ask whats in all of the thirty tiny bowls. The fish in some bowls is supposed to be eaten raw, but other fish is supposed to be cooked on the tiny hibachi in the corner- watch how they can't tell the difference! And best of all, see then pour soy sauce right on to their rice, like children. After ice cream that they all eat too quickly, they lay a huge dump of shame on their maids asking to get to go to the buffet for breakfast. The maids, embarassed that the Hakujin hate their clearly sub-par service, must kill themselves.

4. Onsen. The traditional hot hot hot baths, which are sex segregated. Which is hard to remember when the women's bath is hidden up a staircase and around a corner. Whoops.

5. Laundry. Some of our plucky but ignorant travelers go to a coin laundry and ruin it. After breaking one machine and overloading the next, having to call the owner over from across the island, they also buy three times too much soap and can't figure out how long to dry clothes. And they don't have a thank you gift for the owner who helps them- who doesn't carry around a few thank you gifts just in case? Morons. Including the taxi ride over there, they disperse the laundry back to the rest of the group- at $3 an item. $3 for one shirt! Silly.

6. Shrines. Don't get me started. I've shamed so many dead people by now that I should just try to make sure I go to hell.

Next Episode- going to a Japanese theme park!


Blogger Tristan said...

This is fantastic! It made me cringe and laugh at the same time (especially the part about you two hiding behind the screen while the maid cleaned up your room-- I definitely would have doen the same thing!)

7:06 AM  

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